Spontaneity does not come easy for me.
I’m not sure why, exactly. As a writer, I’ve always longed for something more in life, like the books I read and the shows I watch. But as a person, routine and stability seem to be ingrained into my DNA, contrary to what my brain or my heart might want.
After I do anything spontaneous, whether that be driving on a whim two hours to meet a Youtuber or ordering a dress off of Amazon I’d only seen the night before, I feel some sort of guilt or regret in the back of my throat.
In high school, I feel like it was worse. I would get stuck in the routine of life, simply flitting from school to activity to activity to homework to sleep to it all again the next day. Now that I’ve gotten to college, my world seems to have opened up, if not just a little, and I feel like I am too.
I’m trying to pour all of the mundane, everyday-ness out of my life and fill it up with spontaneity and excitement, like opening a window in a musty room.
Starting these rambles was one way of beginning to rebuild my life. Thinking through aspects of life and my thoughts and feelings, thinking through who I am and what I want out of life through writing, I hope will help me decide how I want to live my life.
I get very caught up in the thoughts of others, how someone might think of my actions, and the obligation I feel for things that I shouldn’t feel quite so obligated to.
As an aside, I’m sitting next to the window in my dorm room and tiny white flashes of rain starting dripping down around the yellowing leaves of the tree outside the window, and the crisp smell of rain floated in toward me for just a flash, just a second, just a whiff. There was a certain magic to that moment, right then about a minute ago.
These are the moments I want to start to focus on: moments like the one brief second of the smell of the rain floating in from the outside. I’m catching more whiffs of it, every other breath, like the fullness I feel when I do something spontaneous and different, every other breath my pulse quickening and a feeling of wonder drifts through the window of life.
That metaphor got a bit away from me, but I digress.
I’m not going to try and go too broad here, but happiness seems too fleeting in our world today. Pain and anger is building up like pressure in a water pipe, with everyone seeming to not understand that they should care about each other.
So, I think, we should find happiness as best we can, where we can, when we can, if we can. Some aspects of life are unavoidable, most of which are unpleasant. Routine can be a good thing, for constant stability and reassurance and safety, but for me, I’m going to try and smell the rain more often. Without feeling guilty about it.
I’m not sure if this made any sense, but if you liked it, leave a like or a comment, or share with your friends! Also, sorry about the lack of posting on Monday, but unfortunately school gets in the way sometimes.
With love and good vibes,